Today my son went to College

My son, all of 18 years, finally went to college, “Uni” as they call it these days. As I went to drop him, I had all my emotions muddled up. He went to the university of his choice; Ashoka University and it was really heartening to see the positive energy on the campus. He was more excited than sad, more confident than apprehensive. So, there is no cause for concern at this stage. But some thoughts are lurking in my mind and wanted to share the same. Not sure if it is the same for every parent.

1. It was the last day that he was home as a full-time “in-house” family member. Next time he would be a guest who would come visiting. The frequency and duration for us would be longer compared to people who have sent their kids far off. But the bird has flown the nest. Someone said that 80% of the total time you spend in your lifetime with your kids happens in the first 18 years.  

• For people like us who still have one kid at home, the pain is less. I am sure for parents where the nest is completely empty the realization is stronger.

• He is on his own and free to make any decision within the boundaries of university rules (which by the way is quite liberal). Hence the values that we have been able/not able to inculcate over the years would come to the fore in deciding how he conducts himself. It would be the culmination of our efforts as parents over the last 18 years.

• Earlier you could walk up and talk to him whenever you wanted. Now you would have to understand they he may possibly be busy with friends, classes, or professors and may not be available when you are free. You must respect that and give him that space.

• The brother-sister bond which most of the time ended up in arguments at home would now have to manage with occasional physical meets and more of what’s up chats. I don’t know about my son who stayed back with a huge bunch of friends but my daughter who had to come back to a house with an empty room, the pain was visible. Her every waking hour till now was spent knowing there is someone in the adjoining room to whom she can confide at every opportunity. That void is permanent, and she must adjust to the same. I am sure the fact that she now need not share the coke or chocolate with him is not giving her any joy. She would trade the extra packet of chips for her brother’s full-time presence any day.

• The grandmother staying with us is really shattered. Loneliness has become an integral of her life. But having her grandson close was a big solace, especially since he was a good youngster who used to come and spend time with her. He reminded her of all the memories with him during his growing years where she had a big contribution. While others in the family can pick up something new or increase the intensity in existing relationships, for her the options are limited. The void created is big and would never get filled. Her regular tears and constant query as to when he would come home next clearly depicts the pain.

• For the grandmother in Kolkata, the frequent phone calls to find out about every event unfolding here clearly depicts her apprehensions. Grandkids are always more precious than children and independence at this age makes her worry about his well-being. While she has a good social circle there but the fact that she would not see him full-time at home on her next visit to Gurgaon is leading to bouts of sadness, I am sure.

• The mother is putting up a brave face. She is happy that her son has joined a great institution without going out of the country to do that. She is happy that her son is likely to find her footing socially with some apprehension about how he would compete academically. But she is the one who has spent the most time with him in the last 18 years. She stayed awake, initially to take care of her son when he fell sick and later waiting anxiously for him to come back from a late-night social event. There have been multiple debates at home about how much freedom is good at this age and how the father was always playing the good cop to score brownie points with his son. Now, while she can sleep on time knowing that there is no one to wait up for, I am sure her mind would still be at the college thinking about how her son would be adjusting to the new realities in his life and whether he would be requiring any support which she would have loved to have provided but cannot.

Every phone call or video call would be picked up with enthusiasm trying to understand in that short interaction about the overall well-being of her kid. The weekends he would be home would be all about cooking his favorite dishes and spending as much time as he would allocate, listening to his college tales (to the extent he would share), and trying to eke out some things that he would be reluctant to. But the intent completely is to ensure that the son is happy and safe in his current environment and to be part of his evolution.

• Lastly, coming to the father. Now that is a tough one. The empty room in the house is unnerving. The feeling has not yet sunk in somehow since the proximity of the campus gives a mirage that he is a stone’s throw away. There is always this regret though, should have spent more time during his youth instead of those many hours at work. Time is the only thing that is irreversible and now have to wait for an allocation from his busy schedule and many seekers, all of them genuine. Makes me resolve to make the best of the 4 years I have till my daughter reaches the same situation.

While the rational side says that his life is finally where it belongs, in his own hands, and there is nothing much we can contribute, there is a tinge of apprehension. What if he needs help, what if he needs a trusting shoulder to cry on, a trusted ear to hear him out and share his fears. The rational side again says that he would have to figure all this out himself since that is part of his learning process. But the heart still wants to play a small part in it. Will it happen? Time can only say.